He's Home!

I can't believe that a whole month (granted, it was a super short month) has passed since my last post.  Oops.  It's amazing how quickly time can pass when you're preparing for your husband's homecoming from deployment; enjoying family from out of town; welcoming your husband home from Afghanistan (WOO HOOOOO!!!); preparing your home to sell, putting it on the market, and taking it off the market (thank you, lack of Continuing Resolution, for preventing our PCS orders to be cut); purchasing a newer vehicle; replacing your home's broken heat/AC unit (you're welcome, future homeowners); and trying to enjoy and soak up every sweet, longed-for moment as a complete family again.  I'm starting to gather that life, at least this stage of life, isn't really going to slow down, so instead of being surprised I'll just choose to embrace the rather hectic, roller coaster pace and rejoice in every morsel of rest we're blessed with along the way.

One of those sweet moments of celebration and rest was Nathan's Homecoming Ceremony on the morning of February 15th.  Nathan's parents, sister, and niece were able to come in from the beloved (to me, at least!) mid-west to celebrate this indescribable event with us.



Waiting for Nathan's return - Ali teaching cousin Bella how to play cards.



Cousins waiting for the plane to land.



Mmm...breakfast time!



Brrr...it's cold out here!  Waiting for the plane to land.



They're here!!!!!



There's Daddy!  (second from right)



"Join me in welcoming Soldiers from the 2nd Squadron, 17th Cavalry Regiment, 101st Combat Aviation Brigade!"



Nathan leading the troops (not all his Soldiers).



Looking good, Troopers!



Nathan - "Out Front"!



My handsome man is home!



Best feeling in the world.



The Fort Campbell Courier caught this one and decided to put it on the front page :). Good friends Jeri Lynn and Ryan are in the background - super cool!



Together again!



Family time :).



Hey, I remember you!



Daddy's uniform's pretty cool.



Hey, what's this hat all about??



Brother and sister with their over-tired, fussy babies :).



Indeed.

A GREAT BIG thank you to Nathan's dad, Denny, for capturing these unforgettable memories for us!

  

Heartbreak

Heartbreak.  You know it immediately upon experiencing it.  There's no feeling in the entire world like it.  World-stopping, body-weakening, vomit-inducing heartbreak.  The kind hits you like a mack truck, silencing everything around, and in, you.  You want to cry but you can't.  You can only sit still and stare and.barely.breathe. 

What now?  What next?  How in the world do I move on from this?  This was not in my plans for today...I don't even know what day it is anymore. 

Either you've experienced this type of heartbreak before or, I'm sorry to tell you, you will eventually.  Unexpected loss brings it on.  The shattering of expectations brings it on.  Life on this planet brings it on.

So what?  What do we do with that?



Don't try to numb it.

A broken heart will remain broken until it is healed.  That's a simple idea to scan over.  A broken heart will remain broken until it is healed.  It is human nature to want to protect ourselves from continued pain.  So we reach for a bottle.  Or a pipe.  Or the remote.  Or food.  Or Facebook.  Or a gym membership.  We naturally want to escape the pain of heartbreak so we turn to whatever brings us immediate relief.  Our hearts need to be mended but how do you mend something you don't even understand?  How do you put the shattered pieces back together when you don't even have the energy to pick them up off the floor?  The task is too much to take on.  So we grab whatever band aid is in reach, slap it on, apply a little pressure, and exhale a small sigh of relief when the blood reduces from a gushing to a trickle.  But here's the thing - that band aid wears out.  There comes a time when it no longer works and we're left with an infected, gaping wound where healing was intended.  You see the thing about escaping, numbing, whatever you want to call it is this - you have to keep escaping or numbing the pain in order for it to work.  Because a heart will remain broken until it is healed.  And we weren't created to live life with broken hearts.  Our beings weren't intended to walk around with shattered souls.

Let people in.

When we experience true heartbreak the last thing many of us want to do is allow people to see us that way.  We don't want to explain.  We don't want advice.  We don't want people to see us vulnerable and broken.  But the thing about it is this - a broken heart will remain broken until it is healed.  And people can help with that process.  Shining a light on the shattered pieces can help us find those few that flew under the couch.  Keeping a broken heart in the darkness of our isolation can paralyze us from ever moving forward.  Attempting to hide our broken hearts from people in our lives takes an enormous amount of energy...energy that would be far better spent in the healing process.  Healing from a broken heart takes coming toe-to-toe with it and that's impossible to do if we are the only ones who know about it.

Turn to the Healer.

This is where I'm going to lose some people.  You were with me until now.  I was spot-on in describing your heartbreak but now she's gonna get all Jesus on me.  Yes I am.  Because how's your heartbreak doing?  Has it become your best friend?  Have you tried everything in your capacity to deal with it, run from it, bandage it up in your own strength?  How's that going for you?  I know, precious friend, because I've tried it all too.  And. It. Doesn't. Work.  I made dealing with it nearly a full-time job.  And it still didn't work.  Because a broken heart remains broken until it's healed.  And consider this, my logical friends, how in the world can we expect to heal ourselves when our very selves are all busted up?  It just doesn't make sense.  And, oh, there have been times when I wished I could heal my own broken heart because I am predictable (to myself) and immediately responsive and tangible.  But it just doesn't work.  The very thing that seems like it won't work, turning to a God you can't see with a plan you don't know and a tactic you'll never understand, is the only thing that works.  Is it uncomfortable and does it feel unnatural?  Yes, at first.  Until the sweet salve of the only One who knows our heart, and heartbreak, well enough to mend it overwhelms us and fills in every single crevice of our brokenness.

And we are left without answers satisfactory to humans.

But we are left healed.

Whispering the healing, comforting name of Jesus.

And that is far more than enough.

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.

Psalm 147:3        

 

He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted...to comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve in Zion -- to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair.

Isaiah 61:1-3

 

 

*NOTE:  while most heartbreak refers to the romantic kind, this post isn't referring to my marriage.  Didn't want you to get the wrong idea!*

After just celebrating Ali's 8 month birthday, I want to pause to record some parenting lessons I've learned over the past 240-ish days.  Side note - what a bizarre feeling...that Ali's already been alive for 8 months (HOW did that happen?!?) and that she's only been alive for 240-ish days (it's difficult to remember life without her).  I fully realize I have SO much to learn when it comes to parenting, but it's a pretty cool thing that parenthood can teach so much in such a short amount of time.  What a wild ride it's already been.

The top 10 (in no particular order) life lessons parenthood has already taught me...

There are some things you simply can not understand third-person.
Having a child myself leads me to want to recant every foolish, naive semblance of parenting advice I ever gave prior to May 29, 2012. There are some things in life that just can't be "gotten" from an outside perspective, no matter the depth of compassion or empathy or intuition. Walking in those shoes truly is necessary for some things.

Parenting is the opposite of boring.
I'll admit it.  I used to look at families with children and think "I'm just not ready to settle down.  I'm not ready for a mundane, predictable, cookie-cutter lifestyle.  I'm still chasing adventure and pursuing excitement!"  Ha.  There is nothing mundane about parenthood.  Being the sole provider, protector, and nurturer (especially during a deployment) of a tiny helpless human being is the opposite of predictable.  Realizing that this other person, under your care, is developing and becoming who they will ultimately be smacks mundane in the face.  Praise the Lord for grace.  Sometimes I wish we would have had children earlier and saved our childless, adventure-seeking years for when we could control our schedule - after they leave the house :).

This world is a super jacked up place.
You'd think I've lived an extremely sheltered life by the number of times I've said "that's it, we're moving to Montana" since Ali was born. I've suddenly become uber-sensitive to the music on the radio - ohmygoodness, and kids listen to this station??, words and topics of television shows - can they seriously say that on Bravo?? - and anything I perceive as potentially damaging to my sweet little blank canvas. I want to go crazy mama bear on everyone and anything who might steal even a gram (yes, I had to Google what measurement is less than an ounce) of her innocence. I'm sure Montana has its share of craziness and depravity but a ranch, horses, braids, and a jean jumper sure are tempting since becoming a parent. More importantly, parenthood has made me deeply aware of how desperate our world is for our Savior.

God. Is. Amazing.
There's no way to put this lesson into words.  It's impossible.  I used to look at mountains that stretched beyond the clouds and vast oceans with their tireless waves and praise our Creator.  And I still do.  But thinking about how this little lady came to be and how she grew inside my body for almost 41 weeks and then looking at her face and watching her personality bloom...there just aren't words for the depth of worship that brings me to.  He is amazing.  Thank you, Father.

It's not that important.
Having a child puts the entire world into perspective.  Things I used to attach all sorts of weight to now fall waaay down on my priority list.  That appointment on my calendar, that obligation, that task on the to-do list that used to master me - all mere suggestions.  The girl who was once easily annoyed by what she misunderstood as the flakiness of mom-friends is now probably the biggest flake of them all.  Letting Ali complete her nap, cuddling her for story time, throwing an impromptu dance party, helping her master whatever milestone skill we're on at the time...the simple (don't read unimportant there) tasks of parenting now trump almost everything else in life.  She's just worth it.

I need my buddy.
Nathan has been my perfect partner for life.  God totally knew what He was doing when He wouldn't let Nathan give up "the hunt" and simultaneously softened my heart to a man opposite of anyone I'd ever dated.  He mellows me and grounds me.  He challenges me and encourages me.  He focuses me and protects me...I could go on and on but we'll leave that for another post, I'm sure :).  I miss him dearly when duty calls him away from our home, and that has never been more true than when we became parents together.  I am giddy when I think about raising Ali (and more, Lord willing) with my best friend and I can't imagine parenting beside anyone else.

Life is short.
Ohmygoodness, is it ever?!?  If only I was paid for the number of times parents have gazed wistfully at Ali and I, saying "Oh, it goes so fast.  I remember when my oldest was that age...seems like yesterday."  Is this lesson cliche?  Absolutely.  But is it true?  I never knew how true until I started considering the days, months, and milestones of Ali's life that are already in our rear view mirror.  Lord, help me to drink deeply every moment you give our family and not rush a single one.  It'll be gone before we know it.

We can learn so much from kids.
Waking up singing and giggling.  Turning tears into smiles in seconds.  Humming while eating.  Splashing in the bathtub.  Lost in tips-of-toes laughter.  Squealing.  Napping.  Wide-eyed.  Gracious.  Loving.  Fearless.  Carelessly messy.  Free.  Ali teaches me how to love life and be a better human being every single day.

We need each other.
We, women, need to choose to leave our insecurities behind and raise a banner of unity.  Can you imagine how loved, how supported, how encouraged, and - come on! - how efficient we (and our children) would be if we traded in all the time we spend competing with one another, especially in the realm of motherhood, for time lifting one another up and sharing our (honest) lives with each other?  This life, with its uncertainty and certain craziness, is more than enough to fill our rucksacks so let's quit comparing ourselves to one another in an effort to elevate our love for our children above our sister's love for hers.  Honestly, could our own insecurities make us stoop any lower than that? 

I desperately need Jesus.
A few loved ones told me how sanctifying marriage can be prior to Nathan and I getting married and after six and a half years of marriage I will certainly vouch for that. You know, I was a pretty selfless, forgiving, and loving person when I could isolate myself from needing to be that way on days I wasn't especially interested. Becoming a parent has taken that opportunity for sanctification and growth to a whhhole new level. I didn't realize how selfish, inpatient, and just all-around sinful I was until becoming a mama. I need Jesus. More and more with each passing moment. Empty me out, Lord, and fill this shell with You.

 





 

The Many (happy) Faces of Ali

After several weeks of Blogger uploading issues, pictures of Ali are waaay past due!  Enjoy :).

 



I love being loud!!!

Arm flap, fist pump, squeeal!

Chewing is my favorite hobby.

Huh?  Did you need something?

Ohmygoodness, ohmygoodness...I love my sister-dog!

Yay!  Play time!!!

Sooo...this is a quilt, eh?

Mommy and me!  I love us
(and the turn-around self portrait feature on Mommy's phone)!

Hello 29!

29.  Today I begin the last year of my twenties.  Whoa.  Today I begin the last year of my twenties.  Sorry...I had to write that twice because it just barely started to soak in the first time I wrote it. 

I'm not big into birthdays.  I don't think I've always been that way but the last several years have just sort of muddled into one another without much pause for age-specific reflection.  Don't get me wrong, I'm B I G on reflection...I just haven't attached an age to it for quite a while.  But this one's hitting me a little different.  I suppose it's because 30 is closer than ever.  Imagine that...time getting closer with time.  Duh.  I'm sure one thing is happening with age...I'm getting a little dumber with each passing year.  I've felt like this has been happening for a while but I'm sure of it now.  I'm either getting dumber about everything or smarter about how little I know about everything.  Does wisdom sometimes cloak itself in a dumb suit?  Oh my goodness...how much can I ramble?  I hope this entire blog doesn't read like this.  Wow.

Alright, back to looking on at the last year of my twenties.  Being that 2013 started just a few weeks ago I had a leg-up on this whole reflection thing.  But today has brought on a simpler picture than the four-tiered, three-point goal pyramid I created to ring in the New Year.  (oh yes, I really did create that...if you struggled with goal setting for the year and would like a template to help guide you, I'd be happy to share :) )  Today has brought on more questions than answers.  Questions like...


       Why do you feel like you have to have a plan for everything?

       Why are you so quick to offer help and so hesitant to ask for/receive it?

       Why do you tend to keep people at an arm's length?

       Why do you feel like you have to have an answer for everything?

       Why do you think you can only share your "best" with people?

       Why do you feel guilty when there's blank space on your calendar?

       Why do you only start something if/when you feel like you'll eventually "perfect" it?

       Why are you so often consumed by tomorrow while you're living in today?


I could openly contemplate the above questions in this blog post and that would be SO comfortable for me...looking to teach and answer instead of just letting things linger.  That would be missing the point.

As I look at 29 and see 30 impatiently peaking over her shoulder, I'm becoming more ok with unanswered questions than I ever have been.  Questions show growth.  Questions show humility.  Questions show hope.  And Lord knows that I need lots more of all three.  So I might not have all the answers right now.  And I may be the world's worst blog rambler...but all of this to say that I'm looking forward to the year to come and while I'll keep my "Type A Goal Pyramid" on my refrigerator, I'll also keep this simple equation as the focus for the year to come...

          seek and love God for who He REALLY is
       + love Nathan and Ali recklessly, deeply, and unconditionally
       + have an open, unhindered, and honest heart toward all people placed in my life
       + trust God with all other details
       ----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
       a great way to end my twenties and welcome my thirties


**NOTE (mostly for the grandparents and everyone else who tuned in to this blog to see Ali):  Something's going on with blogger and it's not letting me upload videos or photos :(.  I hope to figure it out quickly and shower you with her cuteness!  And once I do, you can expect much more of that and less of this type of post :).  Love!